When I Say No, God Says Yes
Note from Alison: This weekly reflection started in 2019. After a year of writing, I asked a group of women to write with me, and several of them said yes (during a pandemic). It was evident that there were more holy encounters to share than my own.
So, when my daughter recently asked if she could write a reflection for Faith Friday, I said yes. Below you will find one of her recent encounters with Christ.
About two Sundays ago, I did a reading for Catholic Schools Week. Now, I am not good with public speaking (we all have to start somewhere). I was very nervous about this step in my confidence for speaking in front of large groups.
When the morning came I felt fine. I wasn’t worried and when I practiced I read perfectly. (Well, for a human.) On my way to mass, I still felt perfectly calm. I practiced a few more times in the car. My reading was at the beginning of mass and was a thank you from the administration of Epiphany Catholic School. There would also be a high school student reading a thank you from Central Catholic High School. My reading was a pre-written thank you that didn't feel too personal. When I got to church I greeted parishioners for about ten minutes and then I met with the high schooler.
When it was time to walk up to the altar I was once again calm. As the high schooler read her thank you, I noticed it was very heartfelt and well written. I started to get nervous as mine was not even written by me and was very short. As she kept reading, it felt like she had written almost four pages. I started to get more and more nervous. I was trembling and suddenly even more worried? I was confused because I didn't know where my calm, cool, and collected self went. The only person I saw was the panicked, petrified, and a little too pale (even for winter) self. As she kept reading I thought I couldn't do it. I thought of asking an altar server to read it or anyone else. I had officially made up my mind and decided not to do it.
But……
I knew I couldn't quit.
I knew I couldn't let my family and the school down. But I was still shaking and nervous. I looked at my family for reassurance. I was still nervous. I could NOT get my mind calm enough to read.
And suddenly
She stopped.
The church applauded her and it was my turn. I took a deep breath (and mind you I am about a foot taller than her). I realized there was a block to step on that made me too tall. But it was too late, so I decided I would leave it. I then began. “Hello my name is Aubrey Tarr. I am an eighth grader at Epiphany Catholic School…..” I took a deep breath after each sentence, and I hoped my breaths weren't loud enough for the microphone. I then continued this process. Sentence, breathe, sentence, breathe, sentence, breathe. Until, I was finished.
I looked at my mom, who smiled, and I made an awkward escape from the altar to my pew (of course not everything can go perfect!). But I was proud. I didn't make any major mistakes, and I was relieved it was over.
I then felt a massive weight lift from my shoulders. I was able to really zone in to the mass after. I felt closer to God than ever and had endless praise and thank yous to give to Him. Even though I was scared out of my mind, I had finished the task. I was proud to make such a big leap in my journey to full confidence in public speaking. I was relieved it was over yet excited to try it all over again.
-Aubrey Tarr