Never Lose Faith
Twenty years ago almost to the minute, my son Peyton was born. It was a tremendous day packed with excitement, hope, overwhelming love, and a dash of fear. Of course Peyton didn’t come into this world alone. He had his sweet, innocent baby sister literally right by his side. He was born at 8:03 a.m. with a loud, piercing cry (and he peed on everyone when they pulled him out!! He used to love that part of his story), and three short minutes later, with a smaller cry but a cry nonetheless, was his sister Hayley. Peyton was almost twice her size, but what she lacked in size she made up for in determination. Going into our delivery we knew Hayley had some major health issues. We had not allowed any extra testing to be done because our thinking was it didn’t matter what the issue was. We felt blessed to have had Mackenzie 14 months earlier and beyond blessed to have the twins.
I wasn’t going to church at the time all of this crazy was happening in my life, but I had a tremendous faith. I believed with all of my heart that all of my children were a gift from God and our family would tackle whatever obstacle came our way. My father on the other hand was furious. He was so angry at God. He didn’t understand how He could give us so much loss. What good could come of it? I didn’t have the answers to those questions, but I believed with every ounce of my being that everything would work out. I felt the Lord’s presence in my life. I don’t know if I knew that at the time, but I believe now that is what it was. I believe He walked and sometimes carried me through these trying months. Prior to the birth of the twins, we had arranged through the high school where I taught for me to have the next year off because of all the expected surgeries and issues Hayley was going to have. Of course, none of those things happened because three days after her birth, we were able to get Peyton back in the incubator with her, and she had her final peace. During all of our ultrasounds, Peyton always had his toe in Hayley’s ear. It was kind of funny; they just fit together like a puzzle piece. Once Hayley was baptized in the NICU, we placed them back together and they fit perfectly. This was part of God’s plan.
I have to say of all of my memorable days in my adult life, June 10, 2014 was a spectacular day because my babies were lifted in love and God’s grace. They were both peaceful. The whole day from my perspective was awesome. I swear I could feel God’s presence. My dad stomped around angrily and short with people. He didn’t like all of the laughing and singing that was happening. What was there to be happy about? How could I be okay with this? His issue was Mackenzie had been perfectly healthy and died; Hayley was terribly ill and lived a few days. Why? Why couldn’t Mackenzie have lived? I don’t really know the answers to these questions, but what I believe is Mackenzie served a purpose. So much good came from her life, her existence. She made me a mother. She gave me that desire to try again. I believe Peyton and Hayley were sent to help heal my broken heart but also to give me purpose. Again, so much good came from the life of these two beautiful babies.
It seems like in our world today, everything is measured in extremes - social media, politics, religion, the weather, etc. After Mackenzie was born, my grandmother wrote me a letter and included Psalms 34:18, “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; He rescues those whose spirits are crushed.” If your heart is broken, you will find God right there. God doesn’t make mistakes. I can’t begin to understand all of the whys and what for, but I am confident in God’s love and grace. I stayed home with Peyton that first year of his life, and every single exhausted minute showed me God’s love. Peyton, my 7 lb 7 oz baby boy, is a larger -than-life, young adult who makes me proud at every turn. He is forging his own path. While I want to swoop in and guide more, I have taught him to have faith and ask God for guidance. I am blessed beyond words for all of my kids, but Peyton is special. This young man showed me what could grow from a broken heart, and continues to show me every day. Happy birthday to my boy!! I thank the Lord everyday that I am not alone in my sorrow or all of my joy. God bless!!
